LaughOutLoud
by PurpleGrl95
Summary: Mindless arguments. non-human
1. Chapter 1

"JACOB?!"

"OH, HEY EDWARD! MIND GIVING ME A HAND WITH THESE LIGHTS?!"

"MAY I ASK WHY YOU ARE BLASTING MUSIC AND HANGING LIGHTS AROUND MY HOUSE?!"

"OH THAT'S SIMPLE!! I'M THROWING A PARTY!"

"EXCUSE ME?! WITH WHO'S PERMISSION?!"

"UM, WELL I FIGURED SINCE I'M GOING TO BE LIVING HERE IN THE FUTURE, I'M ENTITLED TO HAVE SOCIAL GATHERINGS HERE!!"

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK _YOU'RE_ GOING TO BE LIVING _HERE_ IN THE FUTURE?!"

"THE PART WHERE I'M YOUR FUTURE SON-IN-LAW!!"

"AT THIS RATE JACOB, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A FUTURE!!"

"WHAT WAS THAT?! I COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC!!"

"PUT THAT MUSIC DOWN!!"

"OR WHAT? YOU'LL DAZZLE ME?"

"OR I'LL TAKE AWAY THOSE RIDICULOUS LIGHTS YOU'RE HANGING AROUND MY HOUSE!!"

"DUDE THAT'S HARSH!"

"NO JACOB, WHAT'S HARSH IS HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR STUPIDITY DAY AFTER DAY!"

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!?"

"BECAUSE THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD!!!"

"WELL TURN IT DOWN SMARTY PANTS!!"

"FINE I WILL!"

"That's better now isn't it?"

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE JACOB!"

"Dude, you realize the music is off right?"

"YES! NOW. GET. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE!"

"Somebody's mad…"

"YES! I'M MAD AT YOU. NOW LEAVE!"

"Man, use your _indoor _voice."

"I WILL N-"

"_Indoor_ voice."

"NO!"

"You know I don't think you're mad at me."

"What could I possibly be mad at other than you?"

"HA! Made you use your indoor voice!"

**My sad attempt of humor…**


	2. Chapter 2

"What are you doing?"

"Oh hey Edward. I was just looking for your toilet plunger."

"Um, why. Did you clog the toilet?"

"Uh…sure, sure."

"Jacob, what did you do?"

"Nothing…"

"Nothing is a lot."

"Okay promise _not_ to get mad?"

"That's a promise I refuse to make."

"Fine, be difficult. Don't come crying to me when you can't find your piano sheet music."

"You flushed my music down the toilet?!"

"Look it was an experiment…"

"What exactly were you experimenting?!"

"How much stuff your toilet can consume in one flush."

"And why would you do that?"

"Well you see the other day I had to um…do my _business_ and let me tell you, it was _a lot_!!

"What does this have to do with my piano sheets clogging the toilet?"

"Well like I said I wanted to see how much the toilet could swallow all at once. I mean when I was done with my _business_ I literally re-painted your entire toilet. So I thought 'hey lets see what other stuff this baby can suck up'."

"Thank you for permanently scarring me with images of you're-painting' my toilet. Now get out of my house."

"But Renesmee invited me over."

"Renesmee doesn't pay to live here does she?"

"But you're forgetting one crucial fact Edward."

"What's that Jacob?"

"She _does_ live here."

"Leave now."

"The only way I'll leave is if I'm dead."

"That can be arranged…"

"Stop begin so cold hearted. Do you only think of yourself?"

"No, I'm thinking about my family right now, and I'm sure they wouldn't be too happy if I killed you."

"Really? You all care about me?"

"Oh excuse me let me rephrase myself. Bella and Renesmee wouldn't be too happy if I killed you."

"Hmm…"

"What?"

"So let me get this straight."

"Get what straight?"

"Only Bella and Renesmee care about me?"

"Yes."

"And you don't?"

"Finally you're catching on."

"Hmm, I guess I should return your boxers then."

"_You're wearing my boxers?_"

"Yeah, yours are real soft."

"Ew."

"No man, you should be _proud_ of having soft trousers."

"And why is that?"

"Well, I'm sure Bella gets them off faster that way."

**Please direct your mouse to the review button and all your dreams will come true :]**


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey Jacob guess what?"

"Uhmm…what?"

"I've got pie…"

"Huh! Oh hand it over!!"

"No, sorry. I don't think so."

"Wait, but you don't even eat pie…you're a vampire YOU CAN'T EAT AT ALL!"

"Oh really? I never noticed."

"Yeah well now that you know give me the pie so I can warm it in my tummy."

"No."

"But _EDWAAARD…_you _know_ I love pie!"

"That's exactly why I brought it here."

"Oh! So it is for me?"

"No Jacob. This pie is most certainly _not_ for you."

"Then why have it here to toucher me?"

"I have it here for that exact reason?"

"_Whoa man._ Just when I thought you couldn't get anymore crueler you _do_."

"Aw thank you Jacob."

"You know what your doing is illegal."

"Pardon?"

"According to the eighth amendment it's illegal to give out cruel and unusual punishments."

"Yeah last time I checked those amendments were created by humans. Hence, it only applies to humans."

"_Gasp!_ I'm human!"

"Hardly."

"Oh yeah?! Well your not human either so HAHA!"

"Yeah, I haven't been for a century so far and it hasn't gotten to me yet."

"You know Edward, sometimes I wonder if there's a pole up your ass because you are _so _uptight."

"I AM NOT! I'm just more sophisticated than you are."

"Exactly my point, uptight."

"Bella doesn't think I'm uptight…"

"How would you know what Bella thinks?"

"Well…um, I-uh"

"Ha, you _don't _know what Bella thinks."

"People just think I'm overprotective is all…no _uptight_."

"Sure,sure. Look man. All your troubles will disappear if you follow these simple rules."

"I'd prefer not to take instruction from a dog thank you very much."

"No seriously man."

"Alright what?"

"Close your eyes."

"Hmhm."

"Extend your arms out towards me."

"Hmm."

"And hand over the pie."


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey Edward?"

"Oh no, your back…"

"You know you love me."

"_Pft_"

"Anyways, I wanted to ask you if you ever farted in your entire existence."

"Um Jacob. I'm a vampire. We don't have bodily functions unlike you."

"That's interesting. Ever had an itchy butt?"

"Itchy butt?"

"Yeah, you know when you have a _really _bad itch in your bum and it won't go away so you start hoping around trying to shake it out."

"No. I haven't had an itchy butt…"

"Are you sure? Maybe when you were human, try to remember."

"My human memories are very vague and none of them have to do with itchy butts."

"Wow. You were a weird human."

"Jacob, I don't remember _having _an itchy butt. Who wants to remember that?"

"I would. So the next time I got one I would know from what angle to scratch it from. I'd be like the itchy butt scratching master."

"I'm sure you are."

"Hmhm"

"You know Jacob there's a solution to your itchy butt problem."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Are you gonna tell me?"

"Alright. I'll tell you."

"Yippee!"

"The secret is called…come closer I don't want anyone else to hear."

"Oh okay."

"_Preparation H_"

**Review or the leprecons will beat you with apples.**


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey Edward?"

"Yes mongrel."

"_Not cool_. Anyways…have you ever considered becoming a vegetarian?"

"Um…_technically_ Jacob…_I am._"

"No I mean seriously. A vegetarian. Like plant eating."

"You understand that my kind feeds off blood....correct?

"Yeah. So what's the problem?"

"Plant's don't have blood in them."

"Oh….well how about rocks or something…?"

"No. I'm fine eating animal's thank you very much."

"Edward. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever stopped and read the mind of an animal you were about to attack?"

"Yes, a couple of times."

"What were they thinking?"

"They were terrified."

"Stop smiling dude. You are endangering innocent animals!"

"Then what do you suppose me to do? Eat humans?"

"NO. Just…end your existence that's all. And then well have more animals around so my kids can go to the zoo and poke fun at."

"You don't have kids."

"But in the future. Once me and Renesmee settle down we'll have a couple of babies."

"Renesmee is half vampire. She can't give birth."

"But she's half human too."

"Whatever, back to the blood thing. Look Renesmee drinks blood too and you don't complain."

"Dude. I love her. I _can't_ complain."

"Then if you love her so much you wouldn't complain about the people _she_ loves."

"But then what else would I do when I wait for her to come home from shopping with Alice?"

"May I suggest a bath?"

"I already did. Scrub-a-dub-dub."

"But you still smell."

"That my friend is the stench of _man_."

"Man?"

"Yeah. But I wouldn't expect you to know. I mean you smell like over sweetened cotton candy."

"Does cotton candy even smell?"

"Yeah. Cotton candyish."

"Interesting."

"I can imagine, instead of water coming down from the shower hose, its sprinkles."

"Jacob. That's all so entertaining. But I have things to do."

"Like find out what soap I use to bathe."

"What?"

"Oh please. You know you wanna smell like this."

"Yes. Because the smell of wet dog gets you _tons_ of action."

**Yeah. I'm headed for a sleepover. :]**


	6. Chapter 6

"Oh Dammit!"

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Edward! Man, am I ever glad to see you! I have a situation!"

"Um what's the situation? Is someone hurt?"

"No man! School starts in eight days!"

"I see."

"_I see?_ Is that your answer?! School is the horrid place where they make you behave a certain way and if you don't the principle sends you to the choky!"

"Somebody has been watching Metilda…"

"It's a good movie…but that's not the point. You've gotta help me. I haven't finished my summer reading homework yet! And I want to make a good impression…can you read the book for me and just type it out for me? Please?"

"Absolutely not."

"But EDWARD!"

"How would you learn anything if I do your homework?"

"You sound like my dad."

"Well, I am a father…"

"Shut-up! Teenage pregnancy…gosh. Just cuz you have a kid you think you're a man."

"Well yes. Having a child entitles me to manhood."

"News flash! BELLA had the child! I didn't see you walking around with a stomach the size of Earth!"

"Well men can't get pregnant."

"Your wrong dude, there was that pregnant man."

"He was a transgender. It doesn't count."

"How?"

"Well a real man has…um…a '_package_'. And well a baby can't come out of that. So it's obvious that 'he' had a female reproductive organ and-"

"SHUT UP! Just call it like it is a pussy and a dick."

"That's not what it is. That's a vulgar form of _what it is_."

"Prude."

"I am not a prude."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"I will not encourage such childish act. Please refrain from using vulgar language in my house especially with my daughter in the next room."

"Renesmee's here?!"

"She is sleeping."

"Oh…"

"Not so happy now wolf boy."

"Shut up fang boy."

"I think you mean fang _man_."

"Well you called me boy I call you boy."

"I'm a real man."

"Oh yeah? What makes you so sure about that."

"I, unlike you have been laid."

**Ha, who knew Edward had it in him?**

**So do you think Edward is a prude?**

**Send me some of your ideas for their next argument!**

**I really appreciate the reviews.**


	7. Chapter 7

"You know what I hate?"

"I could care less Jacob."

"No really, hear me out. I hate when those jerk bombs park their cars in two spaces!"

"_Jerk bombs_?"

"Yes! They're all jerks. I bet they wouldn't like it if _I _parked two spaces leaving no room for them to get a parking."

"Well nobody likes that Jacob."

"I wish I could just strangle the owner of that car!"

"Um…_what are you talking about_?"

"Today, I was going to a supermarket to pick up some root beer and a bag o' chips when-"

"HAHAHA! _Bag o' chips_?!"

"Stop laughing at my misfortune!!"

"Okay…ahhh. Sorry continue."

"Alright. So like I said I-"

"_Hmnhmmmn_."

"Will you _please_ stop giggling?"

"My apologies."

"Alright so I went to go find a parking and this-this _douche_ has two parking spaces taken up!"

"Couldn't you have just found another one?"

"No! The lot was full! And this meany has to take up two."

"Well if I was you I would've left a dent in his car…or faked a police ticket for parking two spots."

"_Dammit_ you're right. I should've thought of that before getting those fruit flies."

"_Fruit flies?_"

"Yeah. There was this little deli right around the corner from the supermarket and the fruit there is so old fruit flies _own_ the place. So I went there and filled up a jar with them in it."

"What did you do with the jar?"

"I went back to that guy's car and opened the widow-don't ask me how- and set them free. Then I closed the window really quick."

"What inspired you to do that?"

"I was watching Drake and Josh really big shrimp and then Drake was talking about putting fruit flies in some guy's car. So that inspired me."

"You watch too much TV."

"Whatever, so what have you been up to since I left."

"I put Renesmee to sleep-"

"Dude! You _know _I'm coming over! Why do you put her to sleep every time I'm about to show up?"

"Because I don't want her around a bad influence such as yourself."

"_Bad influence_?! What bad influence? If anything, _you're _the bad influence!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You're the bad influence. Secluding her from any connections outside of the vampire family. _Pfft_. And I thought they guy from the supermarket was a jerk bomb. I should have saved those fruit flies for _your _car!"

"Lay one hair on my car and I will permit Rosalie to claw your eyes out with her bare hands."

"Sure, sure."

"I'm very sure."

"Listen _Dracula_, since I didn't get my root beer and chips why don't you shut your trap and let me imagine what it would've been like to be eating chips and sippin' down some ice cold root beer, okay?"

"Oh so now we're playing the name game?"

"Guess we are."

"Alright then, _Fido_."

"Blood binger."

"Fleabag."

"Soulsucker."

"Whatever…_Scooby_."

**You know like Scooby Doo. I used to watch that show ALL the time when I was a kid. My birthday is this Sunday! Yippee**


	8. Chapter 8

"_Pshhh._ _Edward!!_"

"What?"

"Keep your voice _down_!"

"Alright…_what?_"

"Have you ever watched a porno?"

"This conversation is over."

"Oooh…touchy aren't we?"

"Be quiet."

"No. I don't think I will. So…I'm assuming since you don't want to touch the subject you've watched some steamy salacious X-rated material."

"No in fact I haven't."

"Oh. Well then why are you so touchy about the subject?"

"I am not touchy. I just don't like speaking of such…_lewdness_."

"Geez, you're _so_ proper."

"Oh and you have watched pornography? I don't think I feel comfortable knowing that my future son in law watches those kinds of things."

"Are you serious? I bet you Emmett and Jasper watch that stuff _all the time_."

"Um no. They don't."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"It's just as I assumed…all vampires are gay."

"_What?_"

"Gosh…poor Bella. Her husband is a homo…"

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"How else do you plan to explain your lack of porno watching?"

"Look…it's not proper. Back in the early 1900's we didn't watch those kinds of things."

"Yeah but dude, now we're in the early 2000's. It's time for you to surprise Bella with a new position…if you get my drift."

"Oh Lord."

"Oh Lord what? Don't use God's name in vain."

"I said Oh Lord because if your words aren't enough your thoughts are horrid."

"Hmm…look if you need some help with your needs in bed read that cosmo magazine. You and Bella will love _exploring_ these new acts of…_seduction_."

"I think I have read Emmett's mind enough to know enough sex positions, thank you very much."

"Aww man. You are the luckiest guy alive! You've seen Rosalie _and_ Alice naked?! Dude, you are like a…_god_…"

"I've never seen them naked!!"

"But you just said-"

"Well they restrict the images in their minds unlike _you_. Oh my gosh…is that Pamela Anderson you're thinking about?"

"_Yup…_"

"Whoa."

"Hmmhm, I'm_ soo_ telling Bella your reaction to that image!"


	9. Chapter 9

"Oh my gosh!"

"What is it?"

"Dude! I can't get an internet connection. It's driving my crazy!!!!!!!"

"Oh…that'd drive me pretty crazy too if it ever happened."

"What do you mean if it ever happened?"

"I always have an internet connection, Jacob."

"ALWAYS?!"

"Yes, always."

"You wouldn't mind if I connect my laptop to your connection, right?"

"In fact I do mind."

"But why? I'm gonna get angry if I don't get a connection soon, and you don't wanna see me angry."

"You know what. I'd love to see you squirm for a bit, especially after you told Bella my reaction to that naked Pamela Anderson image in your head."

"Dude, I'll tell her it was a joke, then can I get the connection?"

"Hmmm…don't think so. Bella's not an imbecile."

"I'll give you a dollar."

"I have enough money to save a small country from bankruptcy, so you're going to have to try harder."

"Can countries even go bankrupt?"

"Yes. Yes they can Jacob."

"Whatever. Look I just really need to get onto the internet."

"For what may I ask?"

"Okay well you see. There's these funny videos on you tube. From this cartoon guy, Dr. Tran."

"_Dr. Tran_?"

"Yeah, dude. I'm like peeing my self laughing. Like on the first episode this deep voice over is like 'Dr. Tran seduces your mother!'"

"You don't have anything better to do, do you?"

"Well no. And do you wanna know why?"

"No."

"Oh- well I'm gonna tell you anyways. It's because Renesmee is always asleep when I come over here. And do you wanna know why she's asleep?"

"Because I sing her to sleep…?"

"Whoa, dude you sing?"

"Well it's more like humming."

"Betcha you can't make me fall asleep."

"I bet you I can."

"Alright, if you can't make me fall asleep then I get the internet connection and if you can't then I don't get the connection. Deal?"

"Sure."

"Alright let's begin."

"Hmmhmmmmmmm…hmmhmmmm, hmmhmm, hmmmhmmmhmmmhmmmhmmm. Hmmhmmm hmm, hmmmmm hmmm-"

"-SNORE-"

"Yeah, I thought so. Well seeing as your asleep I'm going to go hunting."

-After Edward leaves-

"HAHA SUCKER! The internet connection is MINE!"


End file.
